Cooking with Artemis and Holly!
by HitnRunHeretic
Summary: WARNING! NO LONGER UPDATING FOREVER! STOP ASKING! What happens when Holly talks Artemis into doing a cooking show with her? Well with Holly's violent quirks and Artemis sucky cooking skills...you do the math!
1. Salad

Ani: Thought I'd try a little humor. Hope you enjoy. One shot unless I feel like it shouldn't be. I don't own Artemis Fowl! (sob)

* * *

**Hello and welcome to Cooking with Artemis and Holly! **(Sees Artemis and Holly in an apron and chef's hat with cooking utensils)

Holly: (really fake smile) Hello cooking fans! Welcome to Cooking with Artemis and Holly! I'm Holly and this is Artemis!

Artemis: Remind me why we are doing this again.

Holly: (Burning with determination) Because Root says if we do he'll give me a major raise!

Artemis: ...That's it?

Holly: (Fake cutesy smile) Yep!

Artemis: Well it was a pleasure working with you but I really must be going, Good day to yoACK!

Holly: (Choking Artemis) What was that?!

Artemis: Can't....breath....

Butler: Master Artemis! Is something a miss?!

Holly: (hugging the semi-lifeless Artemis) Of course not! We're as fine as fine can be! Aren't we Arty?

Artemis: No we are most certai- (Holly pulls out gun) I mean of course we're fine! Whatever made you think that we were not?

Butler: My mistake. Good day.

Artemis: I still don't want to do this.

Holly: (point gun in Artemis's face)

Artemis: But I will! I will!

Holly: And?

Artemis: (sigh) And I will look happy doing it.

Holly: Good mud-boy. Now what will we cook?

Artemis: How in the world would I know, how about caviar?

Holly: Artemis, you can't even make a sandwich.

Artemis: So?

Holly: (Sigh) For a genius, you're pretty stupid. Okay how about we start out with a salad?

Artemis: Okay how do we do that?

Holly: ...You are the most cooking impaired loser I have ever had the misfortune of working with.

Artemis: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Holly: Okay first we need lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, dressing...

Artemis: (Pulls out notepad and writes everything down.)

Holly: Alright! Artemis go and get the ingredients!

Artemis: Where?

Holly: (Sweatdrop) How should I know, this is your house...

Artemis: And this is the third time I've ever been in a kitchen...

Holly: ...You hopeless...Oh well lets call in Juliet.

Artemis: I concur. (Goes over to intercom) Juliet, please come to the kitchen.

_A few seconds later..._

Juliet: (kicks open the door) Heya Arty! Heya Holly!

Artemis and Holly: (stares at door laying on the floor)

Juliet: What's wrong?

Artemis: Hm? Oh nothing! (mumbles to self) Note to self; teach Juliet how to actually _open_ doors...

Holly: Juliet, where do you keep all the cooking supplies?

Juliet: Oh that's easy! (pulls out a piñata)

Artemis: (sigh) Juliet...we want to make salad, nothing in a piñata...

Juliet: (Takes a law mower out and runs over piñata)

Artemis and Holly: Eep! (jump back holding each other)

Juliet: (takes out candles and lights them) OH MIGHTY FOOD GODS!

Holly: She snapped!

Juliet: (Started walking around the dead piñata placing candles everywhere and chanting) POCKY POCKY POCKY POCKY...

Artemis: BUTLER!

Juliet: SALAD! (suddenly the ingredients for a salad rain down from the heavens) (bows) Your welcome. (leaves)

Artemis: (soul is leaving body)

Holly: That defies all logic on, under, and within this earth...

Artemis: ...

Holly: Artemis? (sees his soul) HOLY COW! (grabs his soul and forces in back into his body)

Artemis: Thank you...

Holly: Well we have the ingredients...

Artemis: Um I just almost died...Can I go lay down?

Holly: You'd think you'd get use to almost dieing after your third time.

Artemis: That was very reassuring...

* * *

Ani: Okay I just might continue. But only if I get reviews! 


	2. Pasta

Ani: So I decided to continue. I don't own Artemis Fowl.

-----

Holly: Hello all you happy people out there!

Artemis: You know Holly, some of the people watching the show might not be happy. In fact, they must have a pretty sad life if they're desperate to watch this show.

Holly: Pulls out gun We can fix that…

Artemis: O.o

Root: Holly, we're on the air right now. You can go kill people after the show.

Holly: Fine…puts gun away

Artemis: Now what recipe shall we make a horrible mess of today?

Holly: I want pasta.

Artemis: Fine. Pulls out cell phone Hello, Tony's? Yes I'd like a dish of pasta delivered to the Fowl Manor as quick as possible. And do you realize how clichéd it is to us the name "Tony" in the name of an Italian restaurant? There are plenty of other Italian names out there that you can use. Is there even a Tony there? And another thing…

Holly: Grabs the cell and smashes it There, pasta's on its way.

Artemis: Why'd you do that?

Holly: Really Artemis, you're to smart for your own good. Also, that's an _Italian_ restaurant, and the Mafia's from _Italy_!

Artemis: Please Holly. You really don't think that the Mafia is going to be running a restaurant do you?

Holly: You never know…shifty eyes

Artemis: Oh please, now you're paranoid. Leave that to Foaly.

Foaly: Pops out Hey! (Note: Foaly is working the cameras for the show and that stuff)

Holly: He's right though. All that stuff about satellites…

Foaly: You never know! Runs away DESTROY US ALL!

Holly: Anyways what was up with that "it there even a Tony there" stuff?

Artemis: Well I wanted to know. Did you know there's no Joe and Joe's Bar?

Holly: Artemis…what are you doing calling bars…?

Artemis: Shifty eyes Nothing…

Door rings

Holly: I'll get it. Goes to door (few seconds latter) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Artemis: Sigh What now? Goes to Door

Delivery guy: Is 7 feet tall, in a black suit and sunglasses Did you order this?

Holly: I told you! It's the Mafia!

Artemis's father: somewhere else in the house MAFIA! Runs around screaming like a little girl

Mafia Dude: That would be $50 bucks.

Artemis: FIFTY?  
Mafia Dude: Pulls out gun

Artemis: Um…here's your money.

Mafia Dude: goes away

Artemis: Butler!

Butler: Yes Master Artemis?

Artemis: Go kill that guy in the driveway and steal his money.

Butler: Gladly. Goes away. Suddenly gunshots and screams are heard. Butler returns covered in blood Here's your money Master Artemis. What shall I do with the body?

Artemis: Sigh The same thing we do with all the bodies Butler…

Butler: Of course sir. Goes away

Artemis: Now it tis' time to feast.

Holly: Yeah.

Artemis and Holly eat the pasta.

Holly: Ya know, we didn't cook anything really…

Artemis: I know, ain't life grand?

-----

Ani: So shall I continue? Let me know!


	3. Banana Yeah you heard me, BANANA

Ani: I LIVE! Ha sorry for taking so long. I haven't been up on for FOREVER! But I love you guys (Thanks for all the reviews!) so I'm actually updating. This one kind of sucks but whatever...

* * *

Artemis: (Reading the dictionary) Hm…

Holly: (Slams open door) Artemis!

Artemis: (Not looking up) Yes?

Holly: … What are you reading?

Artemis: What does it look like I'm reading?

Holly: …

Artemis: …

Holly: …I should learn to stop asking questions.

Artemis: Yes, yes you should.

Holly: Whatever. It's time to go to work. (Grabs dictionary and throws out window, then drags Artemis to the kitchen)

Artemis: But I was getting to the best part!

(In the kitchen)

Holly: Alright, today We'll be making…a BANANA!

Artemis: … Holly…

Holly: Yes?

Artemis: You can't MAKE a banana…

Holly: Says you.

Artemis: You can't. Banana's grow on trees…

Holly: Oh ho ho! But have you ever SEEN a banana tree!

Artemis: Actually ye-

Holly: I thought so! Now lets get started! First we need a bowl!

Artemis: (Sighs. Hands bowl to Holly)

Holly: Wait, how'd you know where that was? You don't know where anything is in the kitchen!

Artemis: (Shifty eyes) Maybe we've been transported into another dimension…or maybe the bowl was already on the counter.

Holly: …Oh… Okay, now we need a carrot, 'cause their about the same size as a banana! (Puts carrot into bowl)

Artemis: Um…Holly? I don't think…

Holly: Alright! Now lets add a lemon 'cause it's the same color as a banana! (Adds lemon)

Artemis: …

Holly: And now for the sugar 'cause banana's are sweet! (Pulls out sugar sack and adds whole bag of sugar)

Artemis: Meep…

Holly: And now we beat it… (Pulls out whip) Squirm! (Whips concoction) Hm… maybe a hammer would work better… (Beats bowl with hammer) There! See how its all smooth? (Holds bowl up to camera)

Artemis: Holly I think…

Holly: I know to cook it! (Takes out laser gun and blasts it) There! (Peeks in bowl) Huh, it doesn't LOOK like a banana…

Artemis: No duh…

Holly: I wonder if it TASTE like a banana… (Begins to eat)

Artemis: HOLLY NO!

Holly: O.o

Artemis: Oh Holly, I knew thee well…

Holly: (Eye twitching) ehehehehehe

Artemis: Oh no… (Ducks and covers)

Holly: WHEEEE! (Jumps around the kitchen on sugar craze)

Artemis: (Praying) Dear God I know we haven't talked in a while…

Holly: Lookie! 'Tis shiney!

Artemis: …But damn it save me! I don't want to die!

Holly: (Pulls out gun and start shooting) Wheee!

Artemis: God hates me…

Spongebob narrator: Two hours later…

Holly: Hahaha…hahaha…ha…ha…ha…oh…(Crashes)

Artemis: (Peeks out from cabinet) Is it over?

Holly: No mommy I don't want to go to school today…

Artemis: I live!

Holly: Pink elephants…

Artemis: …

Holly: Cha…stupid mudboy…

Artemis: Tch. (Puts blanket over sleeping Holly and carries her out of the room.) God you weigh a ton…

Holly: Nah, you're just weak Pooh Bear…Oh look a monkey!

Artemis: … I hate bananas…

* * *

Ani: Actually he loves bananas 'cause it gives him an excuse to carry Holly! Ha, I like that couple but whatever. Review please and I might feel motivated to continue! 


	4. Author’s note

Author's note:

Wah! I have been so many comments on this lately! It makes me feel all fluttery inside!

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while, I'm a little busy. I'm writing one story with one friend, two with another, and I have to write two newspaper articles by Feb. 5, one of which is "interesting trivia" about my town, A.K.A. The Most Uninteresting Town On Earth. So as you can see, this isn't my first priority.

Also, my passion for AF is running on low. But with the new 5th book out, I'm hoping I can boost it up (Of course that would mean actually going out and buying the book, and since I'm a stingy little child…eh ;)

Don't worry, I will update again. Eventually. Try bothering me again in February.

Also, I'm a little short on ideas right now for what they should make next. Any ideas? Feel free to share!

-Hugs and Kisses, Ani


	5. Sorry Not a Chapter

Sorry to all that have recently favorited this, but it's not going to be updated again. I'm revamping and cleaning my account, which I haven't been on in years. This is the only thing not getting delated, and only due to it's popularity.

Sorry Guys!

-LBH


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